Ups and Downs: Today is Down

I started thinking about my mom today on the way to work and had a mini breakdown in the car.  I would rather be at home curled up in a blanket and zone out in front of the TV while my three year old is cuddling with me.  She cuddles with me when I'm having a bad day to help make me feel better.  One day she will know how much that means to me.  I'm all stressed out over my mom and I hate that she is going through this and I often wonder if my bad karma did this.  I was such a horrible person back in the day and I DO believe in karma.  I'm more vunerable now then I have ever been.  I'm sad all the time but yet I have my hyper/spending spree days to make me feel better.  But it doesn't help.  People have told me I may be bipolor and I wonder if I should be offended or not.  Maybe I'm this way cause of what I'm dealing with.  I want to be there for my mom.  I don't want to see her go anywhere.  She is suppose to see my daughter get married one day, in the far far future. 

My favorite quote right now: 

"Death makes angels of us all and gives us wings where we had shoulders smooth as ravens claws." ~~~ Jim Morrison

 

I don't think I can handle this anymore.  I should be the strong one that the family can turn too.  My friends tell me that they are there for me if I need to talk but yet I don't want to burden them with my problems when they have their own and I have to admit I'm not in the mood these days to listen to them.  This is why I haven't taken any of them up on their offer to listen, because I can't return the favor right now.

 

Another quote I thought of:

 

"Life has no meaning anymore." ~~~ Lesat, Interview With the Vampire

 

Arg, I can't focus. I don't want to do anything.  The regular guests here at work can tell that I'm not the normal me that they are used too.  I eat when I'm bored, I eat when I'm sad.  I always eat and eating makes me even sadder cause of the weight I am gaining.  I would love to see a psychatrist but I can't afford one.  Maybe if one saw me for free I would be able to talk to someone and get all this out.  But then I don't want people to think I'm crazy for seeing one when I just want to talk to one about what is going on in my life with my mom since no one in the family really wants to face reality.

 

But alas. I shall stop typing so I can try to get back in my nomral mood.