What happens when . . .

I'm at a loss for this. What happens when you find your soulmate but your already with someone? I dated this guy back when I was a teen and was madly in love with him but of course I messed up and let him go. He has always been "The One That Got Away" at my fault. We haven't seen each other in over 10 years years and now he is back in my life and all those feeling are now back. I have often thought about him and did look for him and found out he left the state and was told he was never coming back so I went on with my life. Now that he is back and we hung out at a friends house and sheesh I have no clue what to think or do. I'm like a flustered teen all over again. All I could think about is him. I'm bad, very bad but I have often believed that he is my soulmate and one day we would find each other again. But now I have no idea what to do. I could just see what happens since I only saw him once and I am totally get ahead of myself but there in the back of my head is the "What If . . ."

On a different note. I do plan on moving to New Orleans after my mom passes. And Dave is not following me btw, he is staying here.  They stopped her chemo since it turns out not to be working and her cancer spread to her pelvic bone and is eating away at that. They are putting her on daily radiation soon to keep it from spreading and giving her as much time with us as possible.

So maybe with me moving to a different state to have a fresh start will tell me what to do and I am totally gettin ahead of myself right now.

Maybe I will just step back and wait to see what happens and to clear my head.

Need alcohol.

Ups and Downs: Today is Down

I started thinking about my mom today on the way to work and had a mini breakdown in the car.  I would rather be at home curled up in a blanket and zone out in front of the TV while my three year old is cuddling with me.  She cuddles with me when I'm having a bad day to help make me feel better.  One day she will know how much that means to me.  I'm all stressed out over my mom and I hate that she is going through this and I often wonder if my bad karma did this.  I was such a horrible person back in the day and I DO believe in karma.  I'm more vunerable now then I have ever been.  I'm sad all the time but yet I have my hyper/spending spree days to make me feel better.  But it doesn't help.  People have told me I may be bipolor and I wonder if I should be offended or not.  Maybe I'm this way cause of what I'm dealing with.  I want to be there for my mom.  I don't want to see her go anywhere.  She is suppose to see my daughter get married one day, in the far far future. 

My favorite quote right now: 

"Death makes angels of us all and gives us wings where we had shoulders smooth as ravens claws." ~~~ Jim Morrison

 

I don't think I can handle this anymore.  I should be the strong one that the family can turn too.  My friends tell me that they are there for me if I need to talk but yet I don't want to burden them with my problems when they have their own and I have to admit I'm not in the mood these days to listen to them.  This is why I haven't taken any of them up on their offer to listen, because I can't return the favor right now.

 

Another quote I thought of:

 

"Life has no meaning anymore." ~~~ Lesat, Interview With the Vampire

 

Arg, I can't focus. I don't want to do anything.  The regular guests here at work can tell that I'm not the normal me that they are used too.  I eat when I'm bored, I eat when I'm sad.  I always eat and eating makes me even sadder cause of the weight I am gaining.  I would love to see a psychatrist but I can't afford one.  Maybe if one saw me for free I would be able to talk to someone and get all this out.  But then I don't want people to think I'm crazy for seeing one when I just want to talk to one about what is going on in my life with my mom since no one in the family really wants to face reality.

 

But alas. I shall stop typing so I can try to get back in my nomral mood.